AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

These are the facts as of today, July 21st 2010 at 12:01p.m. I am exhausted; mentally, physically, emotionally, any way that exhaustion can occur that is what I am. Last week I was cool. I wasn't overly stressed, I wasn't obsessing over the what if's and what if not's. I worked a lot, took walks with Graham and the dogs, went to the Farmer's Market, you know just things that kept my mind occupied. This week, however, has been completely different!!! I haven't slept a full night since Monday. My nerves are fried, literally. I am becoming a PMS hypochondriac. Every symptom, every little itch or twinge or ache is becoming a sure sign that I am about to start my period. If one more person tells me to just not think about it I swear to you and Jesus and that person that my Southern Hostility (aka REDNECK) side is going to come out and I am going to punch said person in the face. That is like telling an anorexic to not think about exercising and think about eating a cheeseburger instead.

This middle ground, let's call it Purgatory for the Infertile, is no place to be I promise. There are so many emotions I don't know what to do with them all! I am days away from finding out from the doctor and at this point I can even pee on a stick and find out for myself. Yet here I am, not wanting to know just yet. I am sticking my head in the sand until I either start my period or the doctor tells me I am pregnant. Somehow this Purgatory is becoming my security blanket from the inevitable revelation; I'm not ready to rip the band aid off yet.

My friends that have called me or texted me or e-mailed me everyday have helped me so much. One friend just says, Hey, just wanting to check with you. Another might talk about things going on in her life to keep my mind off of what is going on with mine. Another friend has texted me almost everyday to say that she loves me and is thinking of me all the time. That is what is helping me get through this. Knowing how much love people have for Graham and I and how anxious and involved everyone is for us has made Graham and I feel stronger. Thank you all. It has meant the world to us.

Now, one more thing. If you are going to pray, please throw in there that I need some sleep. If I could just have a clear mind for one night and sleep the whole night through I would feel so much better!! Keep your fingers crossed, and check back in a couple of days!

With love-

Betsy Danielle