Getting to this point....

So if you are reading this blog chances are you know what all Graham and I have been going through to conceive a child. Or maybe you had no idea that we have been trying for three years. Either way.... Who knew it would be this hard? All you ever hear your whole entire life, especially as a teenager, is how easy it is to get pregnant!! All it takes is one time, you can get pregnant without even having intercourse, blahblahblah. I remember the first few weeks after I lost my virginity I was so freaked out that I was pregnant just because of the overload of "scare you shitless info" from sex- ed, my church, my parents, etc. Or I guess in our case, spermless. If I had only known...

Really, until the day my GYN looked me in the eye and said, "Betsy, it is not going to happen on it's own. You have some issues stacked against you. You have to go see a fertility specialist" I was in total denial that it wasn't going to happen on it's own!! Yes, Graham had three eyed, chasing their own tails sperm. Yes I have endometriosis and rupturing cysts on my ovaries. But so what, I thought. People overcome odds all the time!! As a matter of fact, my GYN had already told me halfway through the second year of free-willy getting it on that we needed to see the fertility specialist. Trying to be the optimist, I completely ignored her. Ha. One day I will learn that being completely stubborn and mule headed is not always the best way to go.

ANYWAY....I am sure that you are wondering about Graham's special sperm? I need to throw in here somewhere that Graham was taking a medication for his arthritis that depleted his sperm count, made the ones he did have "abnormal in appearance", slow as hell and literally chase their own tails. Once this was discovered he came off that medication and we are proud to say that his sperm seem to be on the right path, finally. Now if we can just get me fixed!!

Here we are now; three years later, still no baby, at the fertility specialist what feels like every other day. I have taken a weeks worth of hormones that make me produce tons of possible Kish Jr's and I have to take a shot in my belly tomorrow to make all these eggs release into the wild terrain of my uterus. On Saturday Graham gets to watch some dirty porn in a mood lit room with a comfy chair and give the lab tech his goods while I have my blood drawn AGAIN, (third time this week), get another ultrasound to check on the status of my female parts, then lay on a table while they literally turkey baste his sperm into me. In 12 days we go back for the results, and honestly this is the day I am dreading the most. If they say it worked, did it work one time or three times or more? If they say it didn't work am I going to crumple up into a ball on the floor of the exam room and cry every last heartbroken tear I have ever had? How many times can we ride this roller coaster called infertility? It is this element of the unknown, this loss of control of the entire situation, that made me want to pretend that this was not about to happen to us. But happening it is, whether we wanted it this way or not. And we are both trying so hard to embrace this experience, make it our own with what little control we have, be humorous about it when we are both scared spermless, relax, and try not to what if everything to death. Because that can make you crazy!!

I needed a way to vent, a way to release my hormone and anxiety induced emotions without crying all the time. A friend of mine who went through fertility treatment said she had a blog through her experience, and I thought that was a great idea for me! I love to write, and maybe somebody out there needs to read what other women and couples are going through. Hence, this blog. I hope you enjoy it. I hope that soon we can all smile together with some good news for Graham and me. And if not, maybe we can all cry together, pick me up off the exam room floor, and move on to the next step....

With love-