It's not you, it's me.....

One of the hardest things about being a (thus far) infertile couple is the inevitable occurrence of everyone else around you getting pregnant. Pro-creation is the most natural part of being a human; it is the ultimate survival skill. So the fact that most couples in their late twenties and early thirties begin to think about life outside of keg parties and sleeping in on Saturdays and start thinking instead of mural painted bedroom walls and tiny feet pattering around their house is not all that shocking. It is instinctual, it is spiritual, it is the quintessential beat of the time marches on drum.

However, when you find yourself on the hostess end of all the baby showers time after time that drum only represents the glaring fact that your body doesn't want to march to the same beat, even if your heart and mind do. The grief that comes with hearing for the first time that your best friend is expecting is unlike any grief that can be explained.

Because it is happy grief.

The first time I got to experience this delightful juxtaposition was about 33 months ago when one of my dearest friends called to tell me she was not having painful ovulation as she thought but was in fact pregnant. Graham and I had only been trying for about six months but I already knew, just like I know that 2 + 2 = 4, that we were going to have some trouble in this department. I know that she was also in a pickle of emotions; excited about the life inside her belly but also dreading how the news was going to affect me. Her announcement literally took my breath away. I instantly started crying; out of happiness for her and the beauty of it all; out of sadness that it wasn't me on her end of the conversation. I had to hang up the phone just to get a grip. I cried for about ten minutes, gathered myself together, and called her back. Then I was able to share my excitement with her, because I was excited. I was able to ask all the right questions about due date, how she was feeling, how excited she was, what a surprise it was because they weren't even trying. We paddled through that murky shit together and came out on the other end stronger because of it. The fact that she even had to think about my feelings at such a happy time for her still breaks my heart, I am literally crying as I type this tonight. But she understood that I wasn't crying because of her, I was crying because of me. I was happily grieving for my gain and my loss.

Recently another one of our closest couple friends came out of the pregnancy closet. It was just like when my dearest friend told me, I just couldn't catch my breath. We were at a bar-b-q at their house and I kept having to go to the bathroom and take long, deep breaths to keep myself from completely losing it. But they understood, having gone through this with me through other pregnant announcements, that I just needed a few minutes to grieve for myself then I would come out and be happy. The three of us actually stood in their kitchen and cried together, one of the most bittersweet memories of my friendship with them. And just like before, once I got the crying out we had the best night talking about gooey baby stuff and names and renovation projects to get their house ready for baby time. Sharing in her pregnancy is one of the highlights of my life right now and I can't wait to meet their baby and take part in her (I think it's a her) life.

The point of this post was to try and explain some of the pain and happiness and overall whirlwind of emotions that goes through the mind and heart of someone in my position. Others who have never been through something like this probably don't understand how I could selfishly cry and think only of myself at such a happy time for my best friends. To be honest it is hard for me to understand sometimes, too. I am lucky enough to have friends that try and understand what I am going through, friends that know my tears are mine to cry and in a few minutes a smile will be for them.

So if you know someone going through the same thing, just keep this post in mind. Don't be offended when that person freaks out for a few minutes. Be gentle when breaking the news. Think of how you would feel if you were in their shoes. Keep your heart and mind and arms wide open for that happily grieving person to fall into for awhile. Trust me, it will be a joyful hug very soon.

With love-

Betsy Danielle